Truth, and Why I Quit My Job as a Cult Leader
What if you woke up every morning at 1:30 a.m.? How exhausted would you be? That’s how exhausted I was after months of doing just that.
It was becoming increasingly clear that I was not only in a cult, I was leading one.
To be clear, I was the pastor of a church in a network that thought Christian unity was thinking exactly the same about all things great and small. And how could a group of 21 churches think the same on all things? Manipulative and authoritarian leadership. Tell the people, “we’ll do the thinking for you. We’ll hear from God for you and your family.”
One of these exhausted mornings, I finally realized as I read the last page of George Orwell’s 1984, that we were wrong, and I’d known we were wrong for quite a while. My body was rebelling.
There was a problem. I could not go to the network leadership with a difference of opinion, because…we had to be the same on all things great and small. I’d soon be fired if I did such a thing. I needed to be sure I had control of the outcome if I was going to “rebel.”
But I had a big problem: I’m not God. I don’t control the outcomes.
Only God controls the outcomes. We can only control what we do about the judgments we make. (And yes, we are supposed to make judgments). We can only do what we sincerely believe is right, and then we have to trust God for the outcomes.
The outcome of the truth, then, is the right outcome. Faith and following God comes down to trust. If you trust God, you can do right, that is, be righteous, seek righteousness (justice and goodness) and trust that “all these things will be added to you.”
“But what if I die?” What if you die? That’s always a possibility and we have models, One in particular. In fact, if no one wants to kill you, you might not be saying what you think!
My wife and I realized we could not know the outcome, but we could trust God. The next few things that happened glorified God and strengthened my view that the outcome of the truth is the right outcome.
I called the leader of our group (I was a cult leader, but he was the cult leaders’ leader) and said, “I do not agree with you.” That night I slept until 6 a.m. for the first time in years.
I decided to resign my cult leader position. As I wrote my resignation, I realized I owed to the church I’d been pastoring to share my opinions on the matter. Keep in mind, I would have never done such a rebellious thing. I notified the board of my position.
The network held an inquisition and I argued the case in front of my staff and board.
The dear church agreed with me and left the cult with me, at which point we spent the next few years reorganizing an elder-led church under biblical guidelines.
I thought I’d be fired, but I knew God would have something new for me. But I wasn’t fired. It was an amazing time of seeing His faithfulness to the truth and those who speak it. He gave me the grace I needed and even protected us from the worst possible outcomes.
And that’s why…
I love helping people to publish the truth. If you believe something, especially if it is regarding evil that is being perpetrated, you must speak out. For me writing is about truth, and cowriting and coaching is about your truth. I don’t mean “your truth” in a relativistic sense. I mean the truth that happens to be the truth you are called to tell.
Love it. Thanks for putting your faith in words. It prompts me to imagine what the Apostles and writers felt, fought, feared. I hope our words mirror their commitment. Keep writing in flow!
Wow. This hit hard.